One of my favorite songs is called "You Make Me Brave" by Amanda Cook and Bethel Music. About three minutes in there's a line that says "You make me brave. No fear now can hinder the promises you've made." It just cracks my heart wide open. This was one of three songs that became anthems in my life during our struggle with unexplained infertility.
For 60 months we did everything the doctors said to try and conceive. 60 times we failed, pulled ourselves up off the floor, and then tried again. Our lives revolved around doctors’ appointments, shots, and drugs that caused basically premature menopause, a world of negative side effects and multiple IUI's. Anyone that's struggled with long term infertility knows that every doctor’s appointment becomes an act of bravery and faith. After 5 years we both said we were done. Obviously this just wasn't God's plan for us.
We started the adoption process-which in itself was extremely emotional. Every bump felt like our dream was sunk again-because by this point, due to the years of defeat, we were conditioned to expect that everything would fail. The thoughts of you're not meant to be a mom would repeat in my mind. Asking God to just take the desire away if it wasn't meant to be. It was too painful. Choosing the next right/good thing in front of me became how I lived life. What was real and what was I emotionally creating as "truth"? Was I looking for fulfillment in an eternal place-trusting my identity in Christ and His promises? Or was I living with the expectation that only by becoming a mother, that I would be fulfilled? Life doesn't always feel easy-but over and over it came down to choices. Choices to take risks and walk in faith versus basing our choices on fear.
When I look at this baby I know without a doubt he was always meant to be ours. We both knew immediately when we got the call. The joy and excitement we felt can't be explained. We just KNEW.
(Read more of my adoption story!)